The Orchestra In My Head

I'm sure at some point someone has said to you, "The silence is deafening", but tonight, no truer words could be spoken. I've been sitting here in silence for the past two or three hours, interrupted only by a single phone call and yet the entire time has been filled with a thunderous orchestra of noise. There is is the sound of the dryer tossing clothes around in the next room, the steady breathing of my brothers in bed, my own heartbeat throbbing in my chest. Whispers of hunger flitting through my mind accented by the sound of a growling stomach.

All these sounds set the background for the real event tonight, which is the cataclysmic echo of thoughts competing for time inside my head. I hear the dozens of voices from people I spoke to on the phone today. There are the harsh voices from the people who take their frustration out on me and then the softer sound of those who go out of their way to be polite and work with me. The faces of people I work with, they way they look at me, size me up, try to figure me out. I have to wonder what they think of me and if I'm setting myself up to really lead them to The Truth at some point. Am I making an effort to be an example? Or am I still too caught up in trying to fit into this mess of a world? Can I really make a difference here?

As all of these thoughts swirl around in my head, I try to shut them out. I lived this day once already, I don't need relive the entire thing in my dreams tonight. Thoughts and images fade away until I only hear the faintest whir in the back of my head. Right as I'm nearing silence a whole new world crashes in on me. Though it is only words from today's reading material, it creates a near deafening sound. Thoughts from my research on the Kingdom of Heaven flood my mind and before I can even process that part, it leads into other related topics I haven't been able to think through yet. Questions about life and priorities, love and relationships, discipline and accountability. It's all there reaching out for answers!

So many thoughts invade my mind and my heart grows heavy as the doubt sets in. Will I ever be able to sort all of this out? Will I be able to figure out what the next step actually is and get my butt in line to get everything done? Will I really be able to experience the adventure of falling in love without it ending in a downward spiral? Can I make it through another day working with people I don't really like, doing stuff I don't even enjoy? What happened to all those dreams I have? Will I ever get to accomplish anything that I want to do? It's all too much, I can't handle it anymore! It's as if the grand finale has begun and all the doubts and questions from every aspect of my life are rushing in for a solo at once! I can't breathe, I can't see anything but white, I hear nothing but the endless questions that are assaulting my ears...

STOP!

Philippians 4:6-7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Yes, this was a little dramatic, especially towards the end, but in all honesty, it's not too far from what really goes on in my head sometimes. There is so much going on in life, so many things I need to do in a day and things to think about for my future, it's so easy to lay down at night and more than just a little bit overwhelmed! Sometimes I just get to the point of wanting to cry myself to sleep because I don't even know what to do next.

The thing of it is, if I would just calm down for a moment, I would realize that as crazy as my life is, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. If I try to sit down and figure out how to make everything work, I'm going to make myself crazy and then I will be hearing voices in my head!

At times, it's easy to forget that I don't need to worry and stress over my life, I just need to give it to God! I'm not saying I can sit back and eat Frito's all day while jugging down a can of Jones Soda, there is a part that I need to play -- and you know that! -- but chief organizer of everything isn't that part.

If, like me, you keep finding yourself stressed out with life, take a moment, stop and give it up to God. Pray, talk to Him, let him know what's going on in your life and tell Him that you need help! After that, stop worrying and trust Him.

You can feel peace about life -- even when it seems like you shouldn't.

This Boat Is Now Afloat

It's amazing what a clean environment will do for you. I haven't felt like doing anything in days, (of course, my first mistake was living off my feelings, right?) but about an hour ago I finally broke down, came into my room and took the time to pick everything up, organize, put my laundry away and generally just raise my standard of living from "pig pen" to "acceptable" again. And now, my whole attitude has changed. Really! I went from feeling like a loser with no life, to a man with stuff to do!

Heck, I felt energized enough to finally sit down and start a blog! Yes, I know, I used blogger. Don't kill me. It's quick, it's simple, I can export from it later. Right now, I'm just happy to see content -- and you should be too!

I'm not entirely sure what I'll be covering here, but it's going to me more of a personal blog with the occasional soul search, "deep" post, some smattering of my musical explorations and a touch of my apple enthusiast, web developer geek-i-ness peeking out. Oh, I'm sure there will be the random, stupid, goofy stuff on here too. Basically, it's the Jake A. Smith you know (and love?) on paper... err... pixels. Expect cheesiness.

Biblical things to come...
While I was cleaning up my room earlier, I stumbled across the book New Bible Dictionary -- it's one I bought and forgot about at college last year. It made me remember a long discussion I had with Katie a few nights ago about the Kingdom of Heaven (also, the Kingdom of God). We finished up the conversation with some answered questions, but this book seems to have a lot of information on the topic. I hope to write a post on it soon, so if you want something deeper, keep your eyes out for that

Oh, and if you don't see it in a week or so, you might mention it and give me some incentive to actually write the post!

Musical adventure...
Well, as some of you know, I've been working for the past few months with some of the guys from Velocity Youth (the youth group at my church, The Landing) trying to pull together a youth worship team. It's been quite an adventure with lots of inside jokes, flying drum sticks, screaming, too many bags of chips, bottles of (glowing?) Mountain Dew, chocolate, gatorade and.. oh yeah, some music in there too! We have one more practice on Thursday and then we're supposed to start playing on Wednesday nights!

I'm kind of scared. I'm pretty sure our first night is going to be pretty rough, but at the same time, it should give us the, ahem, "gentle nudge" we need to get into gear and progress to the next level. I'm not even sure what songs we're going to do yet, but I may add something to the sidebar or something with this week's song list just for fun.

Anyway, if you get a chance, say a quick prayer for us that the next practice will be productive and that we won't completely crash and burn on our first night!

Expensive interests...
Why is it that everything that interests me has a price tag well over my budget? I've been looking at stage lighting equipment the last few days and it looks like I'm going to need somewhere around $1000-$2000 just to get enough equipment to play with! I want to get a basic board to start out with (like maybe this Leviton NSI MC 7016 or the Elation DMX Operator Pro, which is what my church has), but I don't know a whole lot about them all yet. If you know anything or know someone who does, I'm definitely willing to listen to any advice!

The end of this maiden voyage...
Okay, I guess that about does it for this first expedition back into the blogging world. Questions, comments, critique you can direct at the comments. Complaints not accepted, I suggest writing hate mail to, well... someone who cares. Bon voyage!